And So it Goes

Last night I cried. I know this does not seem like a big deal....but I almost NEVER cry. Oh, well I cry at sappy movies and when I am reading something particularly beautiful or emotional..and I used to cry when my son told me he hated me and was moving to California (which was the farthest away place he could imagine), and was never coming home. But when real-life pain hits...I simply don't cry. I managed to make it through a divorce after 27 years of marriage and did not cry. Last night, however, I cried.

I am kind of a Billy Joel nut, to put it mildly. He wrote a song in 1983, the year my first child was born, called "And So it Goes". It is a song about recovering from old loves and the pain and risk involved in learning to love again. The following words from the song, hit me in the guts every time I hear it and last night was no exception.
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along.....
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose  
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

Sitting on my bed in the quiet dark, I listened to this song for about the 10th time yesterday and this is when the waterworks began. My brain and my heart started quarreling. 

All evening I had been thinking about Aunt Thelma. My Mom's sister was the sweetest woman I had ever known. She made me ugly crocheted slippers for Christmas and made sure to take my cousin and me out for ice cream sundaes to celebrate our July birthdays. Aunt Thelma had a heart of gold and always seemed to me to be bursting with love to give, but inside was a sad woman. She was not physically attractive and if that was not hard enough, she had a pretty severe tick. She married and divorced the same man twice and never had children of her own. I always felt that she never truly understood her true beauty and settled for an unhappy life because she did not think she deserved more. I must admit that there have been many times that I figured I was going to be the next Aunt Thelma. After one failed marriage and with time and gravity beginning to march across my face and my body, I believed that love was not in the cards for me...romantic love that is. I can be a school marm, a sweet aunt and dedicated mom and gramma, but who would want me for a love and lover?

I met someone. Magic happened in many ways. For the first time since long before my divorce, I started to imagine that I could possibly have that fairy tale romance I always believed was only for the beautiful and perfect people in the world. Last night,  as my heart and brain were fighting, I realized I was terrified. Terrified that I might actually give him my "heart to break"...terrified that I might not ....terrified that I would be vulnerable again....terrified that I would be the sweet, sad auntie that never allowed love in. Listening to Billy Joel in the dark, I wept like a baby. My strength gone, my heart open wide and my will to live the rest of my life in solitary bliss, evaporated. I realized that my house, my castle, my sanctuary was empty and the thought that it could be that way forever, broke down my last defenses. I discovered in those moments, that I want to share my room, my sanctuary with someone...and saying that freed my heart in a way I never believed possible.
So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows 

My castle doors are flung open, my sanctuary is ready to be shared.  Terrifying, freeing, unbelievable, undeniable. "And so it goes, and so it goes And you're the only one who knows".