On Gramma-hood and Love

My daughter called me from Italy to tell me I had “jinxed” her. In less than two seconds flat I screamed so loud she could have heard me in Verona without the phone! She and her husband were barely 23 and I was 47…and we were all starting into a journey that would forever change our collective lives.  She was pregnant.

When she was about 8 weeks along, I flew to Italy for a week to visit.  She was beautiful and she still had a flat stomach, but every day I talked to the little “bean”. I told him how much I loved him and that I was his Gramma. She laughed at me and said he could not hear…but I knew he could. The connection was made and we were forever entangled in this messy, beautiful place called love. 

When they got back, she was in her 6^th month and I spent quite a bit of time photographing her bump.  She told me that she wanted me in the delivery room but her husband had not decided on it completely, so I would have to wait and see. I was as patient as I could be but when she was in labor and going into transition, and he still had not decided if I was in or out, I figured I needed to bring it up. I simply told him that she was getting close and I understood if he wanted me to leave but he would have to tell me...soon! Instead, he asked me to stay and take pictures because he realized he could not be with her and photograph the birth too. I was ecstatic, but just kept on trying to help until it was time. I grabbed my camera and witnessed the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my life.

 I had four kids, the first (his mom) was born by c-section and I was asleep…so I missed that one. The others had the rear view mirror thing to look into but I was too busy to notice what was happening, so this birth was a first for me in many ways. When thy put him in the warmer, and put the gook in his eyes, I was right there. He held my finger while I talked to him and took a million pictures of his first few minutes. When he cried, I whispered his name and cooed to him that everything would be fine. I told him how much I loved him and I stayed with him until they could wrap him up and give him to his mommy and daddy. To this day I tell him I was his first friend, while the doctors and daddy were tending to Mommy, I was with him. 

I spent the first week with them to help out and for a year, I came every Friday and stayed the weekend so they could get some sleep and have a date now and then. I still think about those Saturday mornings when he was so tiny. I got to get up with him and just talk to him (and take more pictures) until his parents got up.

 I loved being a grandma, but it took a while before I figured out why I loved it so much. I loved him but it was not the same intense love I had for my own children. I kept waiting to feel THAT feeling…but it never came. One day, I watched my child with her child and I figured it out. Loving him, gave me another way to love HER! Through him, I could continue to be a mom to my daughter, teaching, helping, sharing and growing with her as she learned the very things she had taught me about motherhood and unconditional love. I could show how much I loved her by giving her a night off every now and then, by clapping every time he hit a new milestone and by cheering her on every step of the way as she chartered the murky waters of first time motherhood. Mostly I could be a support in the way that only I could be. She knows I understand everything she goes through as a mom…because she remembers me going through it all those years ago as I navigated first time motherhood with her.

I now have three grandchildren and I can honestly say that the love I have for them is completely unconditional. It is not the same love I have for my own children, but it is pure and sweet and honest. I love watching them run from their parents to me and back again. I delight in their screams of joy when I come in their homes and when my oldest asks me if he can spend the night on school nights, I wish with all my heart he could. I can take it when they cry and I can tell them no when I have to. I spend my weekends and my summers and my vacations watching them, playing with them, taking them places and helping their parents as much as I can…because six years later, the same thing is still true. My love for my grandchildren is another way to show love to the people in my life I love more than anything in this world…my children.

And So it Goes

Last night I cried. I know this does not seem like a big deal....but I almost NEVER cry. Oh, well I cry at sappy movies and when I am reading something particularly beautiful or emotional..and I used to cry when my son told me he hated me and was moving to California (which was the farthest away place he could imagine), and was never coming home. But when real-life pain hits...I simply don't cry. I managed to make it through a divorce after 27 years of marriage and did not cry. Last night, however, I cried.

I am kind of a Billy Joel nut, to put it mildly. He wrote a song in 1983, the year my first child was born, called "And So it Goes". It is a song about recovering from old loves and the pain and risk involved in learning to love again. The following words from the song, hit me in the guts every time I hear it and last night was no exception.
In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along.....
And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose  
But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

Sitting on my bed in the quiet dark, I listened to this song for about the 10th time yesterday and this is when the waterworks began. My brain and my heart started quarreling. 

All evening I had been thinking about Aunt Thelma. My Mom's sister was the sweetest woman I had ever known. She made me ugly crocheted slippers for Christmas and made sure to take my cousin and me out for ice cream sundaes to celebrate our July birthdays. Aunt Thelma had a heart of gold and always seemed to me to be bursting with love to give, but inside was a sad woman. She was not physically attractive and if that was not hard enough, she had a pretty severe tick. She married and divorced the same man twice and never had children of her own. I always felt that she never truly understood her true beauty and settled for an unhappy life because she did not think she deserved more. I must admit that there have been many times that I figured I was going to be the next Aunt Thelma. After one failed marriage and with time and gravity beginning to march across my face and my body, I believed that love was not in the cards for me...romantic love that is. I can be a school marm, a sweet aunt and dedicated mom and gramma, but who would want me for a love and lover?

I met someone. Magic happened in many ways. For the first time since long before my divorce, I started to imagine that I could possibly have that fairy tale romance I always believed was only for the beautiful and perfect people in the world. Last night,  as my heart and brain were fighting, I realized I was terrified. Terrified that I might actually give him my "heart to break"...terrified that I might not ....terrified that I would be vulnerable again....terrified that I would be the sweet, sad auntie that never allowed love in. Listening to Billy Joel in the dark, I wept like a baby. My strength gone, my heart open wide and my will to live the rest of my life in solitary bliss, evaporated. I realized that my house, my castle, my sanctuary was empty and the thought that it could be that way forever, broke down my last defenses. I discovered in those moments, that I want to share my room, my sanctuary with someone...and saying that freed my heart in a way I never believed possible.
So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows 

My castle doors are flung open, my sanctuary is ready to be shared.  Terrifying, freeing, unbelievable, undeniable. "And so it goes, and so it goes And you're the only one who knows".

closet space

It is almost midnight, soon to be March 31, 2014. I closed on my new home three years ago on this date! I have lovingly decorated every square inch of my castle to reflect my rather quirky personality. My living room walls show off pictures of cockatoos in mirrored frames from the 1940's, my dining room features completely mis-matched chairs and mid-century  modern bookcases turned into hutches....along with a few Craigslist finds. Everything about this home screams that it is Mine, Mine, Mine!

Since my divorce, I have dated a bit. Every gentleman that makes it to my house gets a castle tour. Following the old adage,  " Leave the best for last", the running commentary at tour's end goes something like this.  " This is the reason I bought this house...but wait, before you see the room...look at this closet. It is a double walk-in ...and it is full! No room for anyone else here." After that not so subtle proclamation of my unavailability,  I show off the master suite, and the castle tour is complete.
I generally do the tour right away. This way, boundaries and expectations are set from the start.I can show off the fact that I am an independent woman who is capable,  fine, happy and successful on my own. My date knows the lay of the land in both literal and figurative ways from the first.

Last week, the first fellow in over a year made it to my house. He walked in, strong, confident and handsome, a sight for sore eyes. The air in the house literally seemed to change with his presence. Immediately, he was taken on the castle tour. When it was time to show him " the reason I bought the house", I turned down the hall to my room and went right past the closet to show off the Master Suite. His reaction to my house was delightful. He loved being here, and more importantly, I loved having him here.

The next day, I was at school, my mind was racing through my to - do list during planning time, when all of a sudden I started mentally cleaning out my closet... Woah! Where did that come from? I had never even considered that anyone but me would be a permanent resident in my castle, but for some reason, I was making closet space so someone could be. Most of me was caught completely off guard by this thought. I have to admit, however, that part of me was excited and energized by the possibility of a relationship that could crack open my doors and break down my walls.

It is far too early to know if he is the one who will finally melt my heart and kick down the closet door. It is nice though, to realize that it could happen. After so many years of believing that I would spend the rest of my life as the single queen of my castle, I am starting to feel the urge to begin cleaning out again. Cleaning out my heart, my drawers, my sentimental messy boxes in the garage, my closet....to make room again. He has cracked open my closet door,and I am hopeful!

The Queen....of my ...Apartment

I guess when I left off, I was trying to catch up on the past 2 years. Most of it is pretty run of the mill, change of life divorce stuff that I guess every woman who has ever been in this position goes through. I learned to budget, find money for emergencies, get help when my tire was flat and my grandson was in the back-seat, haggle with credit card companies and be the true queen and only resident of my new castle.
After living with my daughter, son-in-law and perfect grandson for a couple months, I moved into a friend's home. This was a bit more like what I figured the soon to be divorced woman's life should be...except, I really did not have a place to call "my own". I lived above her kitchen and had a bathroom and a closet downstairs. I could use the kitchen, living room and any other room I wanted to...but it was not mine. When school was out, I traveled a month then moved in to the first apartment I have ever lived in ...in my life! My sons packed the U-Haul, muttering the whole time that everything would NEVER fit...but it did. My oldest daughter asked me where I got the new-found "decorating gene" that was missing for her entire life in our old house. I had apparently aquired it as a by product of the divorce.....and I settled in to life in a calm, charming...uncluttered place. Free of bankers boxes, overflowing attics, noise and human contact.
For a while, I had a sweet little yap yap that I named Cleopatra...as she was the obvious queen of the place. My guilt feelings, however, lead me to give her and her hundreds of dollars of doggie parafanalia away to a sweet college girl who needed a companion. I was alone...but was never home and I hated making the dog suffer for my life-style.
By the time my 50th birthday rolled around, I was settled, digging my new digs...and trying to figure out when these huge life changes were going to stop happening....
The kids went to the beach with their dad and to the mountains with me and we figured ...how hard can this be? Birthdays were celebrated in my little apartment as one by one each child got a year older and more settled with this family shake-up.
The days of that year have waxed and waned...I am truly now the queen of....my apartment. The closets are beginning to look like I live here...not some strange woman from planet "neat" and as hard as it still is to believe..Home is now....here.

The Not-So-Perfect Storm

Today is July 19, 2010. I found my blog and as I sit reading, I can hardly stop the tears. Amazing how prophetic the last entry was. Two months after it was written, my husband of almost 26 years asked for a divorce. It was not a surprise...in fact, we both knew it was coming...but no matter how prepared you are, it is still a huge ....adjustment. A storm....with loud thunder and scary lightning. At 49....alone...starting over....with a big empty house of bankers boxes and photographs asking me "what now?" I had 5 kids (including my precious son-in-law) and a grandson that now had to learn to divide and conquer on every holiday and special occasion that came around.
The junk room still looming, was now laughing hysterically. Not only did I have to conquer it...I had to get ready to move it and everything else in the house....to a place of...my own. First things being first, I found a new job, moved 2 hours away and filed the papers...wondering the entire time....how was it that just yesterday, my biggest fear was how to clean out the junk room? How ironic was it that the woman who had such a hard time throwing away anything that contained a memory....just threw out 26 years...and could not salvage it from the junk pile?

The Calm Before the Storm

The house is eerily quiet....and crazily clean......makes me wonder what is about to happen.
For 21 years we have lived in this house...full of noise and mess. Now, you clean the kitchen and it stays clean.....the den floor only requires a broom on any given day...and there is no laundry flowing out of hampers...it is wierd.

The worst room in the house is still sitting untouched. My fear is I will get everything out and have nowhere to put the stuff I want to keep...so it will all go right back in. Therefore, I am procrastinating. I have a feeling this room will definately be the storm I have been sensing.

The experts say to make a plan. I have been trying...but none seem to make sense. The junk room is so daunting there appears to be no real palusible way to conquer it. I wonder if I could get the clean sweep folks over for a day or two?

My best friend has a trailer. She says I can unload everything onto the trailer, cover it up and go get a box or two each evening to go through. That makes sense, but I am afraid the trailer will kill the grass and my spouse will have a coronary. I keep telling myself I can clean out the attic to make room for the precious stuff in the junk room.....but it is just too hot to clean out the attic....

Today, however, it is cool outside...perfect day to clean the attic and where am I? Blogging about how I have not finished the house because the junk room is too overwhelming...

I think maybe I will take just one more day to enjoy the calm...because the storm is definately coming!

And Then There Was Light!

If I am not the queen of my household...yet, I am certainly The Queen of De-Nile. After the 2 week long bedroom excavation, I was certain I had conquered the second messiest room in the house and it would all be down-hill from there.

I began the living room with the hall closet...which I have already writen about. From there, I went into the living/dining/music lesson room. This is the one room in the house I have always been able to bring people in for a "visit" and not be completely mortified about what they were thinking regarding my housekeeping....see I am honest...I have been the queen of denial.

I found piles I did not even know existed. They were shoved under tables, under the piano, behind the shelves, in front of the shelves....everywhere. I did not know how many piles until I started the project in one corner and then moved around the room...still thinking this would be a piece of cake!

I got through the living room area...and just stopped for a day or so...contemplating my strategy. Yesterday morning, my best friend and I discussed curtains. Years ago, I found some very ugly but inexpensive thermal curtains I figured would help keep the room and a decent temperature. As a matter of fact, I am quite sure this prize was discovered at the Sears Surplus Store that has been out of business for about 10 years now. These beauties had huge diamond shapes covering them and were navy blue and brown in color....hideous. I always complain about this room being so dark...well DUH. So yesterday, the practical, ugly curtains came down. In their place, 15 dollars worth of big lots shear white curtains under some lovely navy blue , hand-me-down valances ...and the light came on...literally and figuratively.

I moved to the dining area...trash bags in hand. I conquered the pile in the corner that has been hidden under a tablecloth since...well probably since I put those old curtains up...
I moved to daddy's pile...and treating it with kid gloves, did the best I could. I took out the well-worn rug under the table and turned the dining room table in the opposite direction so we can all fit now. The vacuum came out and I had a hey-day. I have never had so much fun cleaning a room...now I could see what a lovely room this really is!

My beautiful children's faces smile at me from their senior portraits and the room calls me to come and sit down for a while....

Last night...I got a call that my grandson started crawling....It was perfect because, truth be told, the reason I started on this journey was so that he could come see his dee dee and we would not have to worry about what he would get into on his visits. With every step, I become more the conquering queen, slowly but surely realizing that it is better to turn loose of the past than to get in the way of making future memories a reality.

I am getting quite good at throwing things out....now that I can see, who knows what will be next?